Sirius: The PyromaniacDum, Dum, Dum
by CryptoSquirrel
Summary: We all know that Sirius was a huge klutz...why was he James's best man again? J/L Written with a friend and originally published on FA between OotP and HBP.


**Author's Notes:** Firstly, many thanks to Emily McC, who helped me write this fic. (She also helped decide on the idea: choose two random words out of the dictionary and write a story. They were: "ormolu" and "wedding") Secondly, many thanks to Abby and Thiriel Malfoy, my betas (now that I finally have my copies back, Abby!!). (you guys rock my sox!) Also: thanks to Meredith, who read this at first, even though I'm just her little sister's friend, and dedicated to DM, who now lives in Colorado. I meant to write her a fic before she moved, so here it is, I guess. One other thing: I created a third sister in the Evans family because I didn't suppose that Lily would really want Petunia to be her maid of honor. Bear in mind that this is my first real fic. I hope you like it!

"Wouldn't it be nice if the best man at your wedding were semi-normal?" remarked Remus Lupin, with scorched eyebrows.

James Potter considered the matter. "With that lunatic around, chances are very slim."

"I heard that!" Sirius Black, the best man, shouted. "And in my own defense, that thing looked a hell of a lot like a candle!" He himself had much less hair than he did an hour ago.

But, let's start from the beginning...

"Hey boys! What's up?" James called from a few rows down at the Quidditch World Cup stadium, as he caught sight of the other Marauders.

"Prongsy! Bloody hell! It's been a while!" replied Sirius, clapping him on the back. "You're off with Lily so often we never see you!"

A strange look crossed James's face, but it passed as he greeted his two other best friends, "Wormtail! Moony!"

"James!" squealed Peter Pettigrew, who had always greatly admired James. "Guess who I saw at the Leaky Cauldron last week."

"No idea," Sirius replied, as if he were a zombie. He was concentrating too hard on the Irish seeker, who had just started to dive, to give anything else much attention.

"Give you a hint: You could light his hair on fire, it's so greasy," Peter continued.

"Ha!" Sirius gave a bark of laughter. "I was going to send that slime ball an Acromantula for his birthday, but even the pleasure of seeing Snivellus pursued by something large and hairy with eight legs isn't worth ten thousand Galleons."

"Speaking of expensive gifts," said James with a wicked grin, "look at this magnificently plated ormolu." He extended his right hand.

"Ah, James, if we only knew what that meant, we would be _so_ impressed." Sirius sighed sarcastically.

"Okay, fine, should I try 'English for Dummies'?" asked James. Then, in a slow drawn out voice, similar to that which one might use when talking to a troll or a giant who does not speak English, James said, "See my pretty ring? It's shiny, gold, and round."

"Yeah, Blockhead, but is the point that it's gold and shiny, or is the point that it belongs on your _other_ _hand!!?_" Remus retorted mockingly.

"Oh, yeah, that too," James laughed nervously as he moved the ring to his other hand.

"Also," Remus continued, "you better hope that that _isn't_ ormolu, or your wife-to-be has just majorly cheated you."

"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Sirius screamed, as he misheard this statement.

"Relax. I didn't mean she actually has cheated _on_ him. I meant that 'ormolu' means _imitation gold_, so, if it _is_ ormolu, well, let's just say that that would be a very _bad_ thing..." Remus stated quietly.

"Sorry. Forget about my atrocious sense of the English language then." answered James. "But do you know what this means? Lily's finally agreed to marry me!"

"It's about bloody time! I was wondering what all the waiting was for!" Peter commented. "I might not be the brightest, but you and Evans were a moment waiting to happen! A very _long_ wait for the moment, I might add, but sweet nonetheless."

"So," Remus mentioned casually as the Quidditch game began, "when _is_ the wedding?"

"Sometime in August, I think. The Dog days, just for Sirius..." As he said this, James turned to the aforementioned man and said, "Oi! Padfoot! You want to be the best man?"

Sirius laughed as he answered, "Of course! Hey! You stupid bleater! That was a bludger!! Oh, sorry, James, I was feeling the need to insult that Irish keeper."

_(Friday, August 13)_

Lily Evans (though not for much longer) sat alone in her dressing room, in sheer rapture.

_I'm_ _getting_ _married._ _I'm_ _getting_ _married_ _to_ _that_ _idiotic_ _prat!_ _Ahhhhh...but_ _he's_ _so_ _sweet..._

These thoughts ran through Lily's head moments before she was called to the chapel.

James Potter sat alone as well, and he too was thinking about his wedding.

_I_ _know_ _this_ _is_ _right!_ He thought, _after_ _all,_ _this_ _is_ _what_ _I've_ _imagined_ _for... ah... practically_ _ever!_ _And_ _in_ _fifteen_ _minutes,_ _it_ _will_ _all_ _come_ _true!_ _Just_ _think,_ _all_ _the_ _people_ _here_ _love_ _me...and_ _best_ _of_ _all--Lily._

Ten minutes later

"You know, James, I'm still not sure having Sirius as your best man is a great idea," whispered Remus, as he stood behind the groom waiting to go down the aisle.

"Hey," responded James, "no one said it was a great idea, but it'll be memorable-- no doubt about it!"

"No, no doubt at all."

Best man Sirius Black led the walk down the aisle with Rose, Lily's sister and Maid of Honor. They advanced reverently, each holding an acolyte's wand.

Rose, graceful as she was, did a phenomenal job. She looked like a rose, as well, floating down the aisle in a baby pink gown.

Sirius, on the other hand, traipsed forward like his canine alter ego.

Of course, at that very moment in time, Wormtail, feeling bored, just _had_ to scurry across the organ pipes and do the can-can as a rat. Sirius, easily amused as he was, fell down laughing at the sight of this. Tripping over his own untied shoelaces, instead of lighting the candle, Sirius lit the altar centerpiece--the _cake_--on fire!!

"Aw, dammit!" Sirius cursed under his breath. Peter leapt down behind the organ and back up, human this time, in a flash.

"Aguamenti!" he shouted, spraying the whole altar with water from his wand. The fire went out, but the cake was not quite the same after that episode...

"Look, mate, I'm sorry about the cake!" Sirius cried for the fifth time.

"It's not a big deal!" responded James calmly. "At least we didn't eat any more than necessary. Soggy cake does not agree well with my stomach." James did not particulary appriciate the ruination of his wedding cake, but Sirius getting upset _certainly_ was not going to help anything.

"That was perfectly good frosting you wasted though," Peter commented, licking icing from his fingers. Peter had a rat's firm belief in not wasting any food.

"Like you should talk!" snarled Sirius, turning on his friend. "If it weren't for your fooling around--"

"Look, you three, calm down." Remus, the mediator, interrupted, as James began to speak, "and James--your wife needs you to go stand in the receiving line at the reception. We'll finish cleaning the burned icing off of the altar, and then we'll come."

"I'm never getting married," muttered Sirius darkly as his friend walked away. "Too much trouble."

"Yeah," agreed Peter harshly, "or maybe that's just you."

"Hey, be quiet you, before I light your tail end on fire!" Sirius said, waving his wand threateningly.

At this, Peter squeaked and exited the room--rather quickly!

At the reception a "bloody brilliant" (as James put it) time was had by all. James thoroughly enjoyed his first dance with Lily, especially since she was wearing the perfume he had given her as a wedding gift that made his head go all funny.

_Oh,_ he thought gleefully, _she smells so good. Merlin's beard, we're _married!!!_ Lily and I are married! Ahh..._

As they left the party, Lily tossed her bouquet out to the crowd gracefully, and who, of all people, should catch it, but Rose. Upon the catch, Rose turned and fell, only to be "caught" by Sirius, at whom she batted her eyelashes toyingly.

**A/N**: I had them married on a Friday-the-Thirteenth as a bad omen type of thing. What did you think of that? Reviews are appreciated! Thanks!


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